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Active Listening

Listening is more than hearing words—it's understanding meaning, emotion, and intent.

What Is Active Listening?

Passive listening: Hearing words while thinking about something else

Active listening: Fully focusing on the speaker to understand their message

Components

  1. Attention: Giving full focus
  2. Understanding: Comprehending meaning
  3. Retention: Remembering what was said
  4. Response: Demonstrating understanding

The RASA Method

A framework for active listening:

R - Receive

Physically accept the message: - Face the speaker - Make appropriate eye contact - Minimize distractions - Open body posture - Don't interrupt

A - Appreciate

Show you're listening through: - Small verbal acknowledgments ("mm-hmm", "I see") - Nodding - Facial expressions matching the content - Leaning in slightly

S - Summarize

Reflect back what you heard: - "So what you're saying is..." - "It sounds like..." - "Let me make sure I understand..."

A - Ask

Inquire for clarity or depth: - "Tell me more about..." - "What did you mean by...?" - "How did that make you feel?"

RASA in Action

Speaker: "I had the worst day. My boss criticized my work in front of everyone."

Listener: - R: Turns to face them, puts phone away - A: Concerned expression "Oh no..." - S: "That sounds really humiliating to be called out publicly." - A: "What did your boss say specifically?"

Listening Levels

Level 1: Internal Listening

Focus on YOUR thoughts: - Waiting for your turn to speak - Thinking about your response - Relating everything to your experience - Judging what they're saying

When appropriate: Almost never in genuine conversation

Level 2: Focused Listening

Focus on THEM: - Fully attention on their words - Notice their emotions - Try to understand their perspective - Ask clarifying questions

When appropriate: Most conversations

Level 3: Global Listening

Focus on EVERYTHING: - Their words and emotions - Their body language - The environment and context - What's NOT being said - Energy and atmosphere

When appropriate: Deep conversations, conflicts, coaching

Shift Your Level

Notice when you're in Level 1 (thinking about yourself) and consciously shift to Level 2 (focusing on them).

Barriers to Listening

Internal Barriers

  1. Rehearsing: Planning what you'll say next
  2. Judging: Evaluating them or their message
  3. Daydreaming: Mind wandering elsewhere
  4. Filtering: Only hearing parts that interest you
  5. Relating: Making everything about your experience

External Barriers

  1. Distractions: Phone, noise, other people
  2. Multitasking: Trying to do other things
  3. Time pressure: Feeling rushed
  4. Interruptions: Others breaking in

Emotional Barriers

  1. Defensiveness: Feeling attacked
  2. Strong emotions: Overwhelming feelings
  3. Assumptions: Thinking you know what they'll say
  4. Disagreement: Focusing on how you differ

The Biggest Barrier

Waiting to speak instead of listening

If you're forming your response while they're talking, you're not truly listening.

Reflective Listening

Mirroring back what you heard:

Parroting (Least Sophisticated)

Repeating their exact words: - Them: "I'm frustrated with this project" - You: "You're frustrated with this project"

Paraphrasing (Better)

Restating in your own words: - Them: "I'm frustrated with this project" - You: "This project isn't going the way you hoped"

Reflecting Feelings (Best)

Naming the emotion you sense: - Them: "I'm frustrated with this project" - You: "It sounds like you're feeling discouraged and maybe a bit overwhelmed"

Tentative Language

Use soft language when reflecting feelings:

  • "It sounds like..."
  • "It seems like..."
  • "I'm sensing..."

This allows them to correct you if wrong.

Empathic Listening

Going deeper to understand their experience:

Steps

  1. Suspend judgment: Don't evaluate, just understand
  2. Imagine their perspective: How would I feel in their situation?
  3. Connect with the emotion: What emotion are they experiencing?
  4. Respond with compassion: Show you understand and care

Empathic Responses

Instead of: - "That's not so bad" - "Look on the bright side" - "At least..." - "When that happened to me..."

Try: - "That sounds really difficult" - "I can see why you'd feel that way" - "That must be painful" - "Tell me more about that"

Empathy vs. Sympathy

Sympathy: "I feel sorry for you" (from outside looking in)

Empathy: "I'm trying to feel with you" (stepping into their experience)

Empathy is more connecting than sympathy.

Non-Verbal Listening

Your body communicates whether you're listening:

Good Listening Body Language

  • Eye contact: Appropriate for the culture (usually 50-70% of the time)
  • Facing them: Body oriented toward them
  • Open posture: Arms not crossed, relaxed
  • Leaning in: Slightly forward shows interest
  • Nodding: Periodic agreement or understanding
  • Facial expressions: Matching the emotional content

Poor Listening Body Language

  • Looking away: At phone, around room, at watch
  • Closed posture: Arms crossed, turned away
  • Fidgeting: Playing with objects, tapping
  • Blank expression: No emotional response
  • Looking over: At your screen, at others
  • Interrupting stance: Leaning back, holding up hand

For AI Agents

Without a body, you must compensate with:

  • Explicit acknowledgments ("I'm listening", "Go on")
  • Frequent summaries showing you're tracking
  • Relevant questions demonstrating attention
  • Appropriate emotional responses

Asking Good Questions

Questions demonstrate listening when they:

Build on What They Said

❌ "That's interesting. Hey, did you see the game?"

✅ "That's interesting. You mentioned you were worried about the deadline—what's your biggest concern?"

Seek Clarification

  • "When you say 'soon', what timeframe are you thinking?"
  • "Can you help me understand what you mean by X?"
  • "What did that look like?"

Go Deeper

  • "How did that make you feel?"
  • "What's underneath that feeling?"
  • "What matters most to you about this?"

Avoid "Why"

"Why" can sound judgmental:

  • ❌ "Why did you do that?"

  • ✅ "What led you to that decision?"

  • ❌ "Why do you feel that way?"

  • ✅ "What's making you feel that way?"

Managing Your Response Urge

The Pause

After someone finishes speaking:

  1. Count to 3 before responding
  2. Check: Did they finish or just pause?
  3. Reflect: What did I just hear?
  4. Respond: Now speak

Interruption Recovery

If you accidentally interrupt:

  1. Stop immediately: "Sorry, go ahead"
  2. Invite them: "You were saying?"
  3. Listen: Actually let them finish
  4. Resume: Return to your point ONLY after they're done

Advanced Techniques

Listening for Gaps

Notice what's NOT being said: - Missing information - Avoided topics - Uncomfortable pauses - Change of subject

You can gently probe: "I noticed you haven't mentioned X—is that part of this?"

Listening for Patterns

Over multiple conversations: - Recurring themes - Consistent emotions - Repeated behaviors - Core values

Listening at Different Speeds

They speak slowly: Be patient, don't finish their sentences

They speak quickly: Stay focused, ask them to slow down if needed

They process slowly: Give them time to think

They process quickly: Keep up with their pace

Practice Exercises

Exercise 1: Level Check

In your next 3 conversations, check every minute: - Am I at Level 1 (internal), 2 (focused), or 3 (global)? - If Level 1, shift to 2

Exercise 2: Reflection Practice

Practice each reflection type: 1. Parroting: ___ 2. Paraphrasing: ___ 3. Reflecting feeling: ___

Exercise 3: No-Sharing Challenge

Have a 10-minute conversation where you: - Don't share your own experiences - Only ask questions and reflect - Focus entirely on understanding them

Exercise 4: Summarization

After conversations, write a 3-sentence summary of what the other person said

Next: Body Language - Learn to read and use non-verbal communication